Whenever we're going through an emotionally difficult time, one of
the first things to go out the window is perspective -- particularly
with broken marriage or fail relationship. It's so easy to get caught up
in the emotional drama, to make up stories in our heads about what the
other person thinks or what they're doing to us, rather than stay
focused on the reality of the situation. Gaining a higher perspective
can turn this tendency around.
Things may be lousy
right now, but you can also recognize that in the future, you can use
this experience to your advantage. On a practical level, gaining
perspective also helps to circumvent the emotional battering that goes
on between two people that hurts both the people involved. It's in
everyone's best interest for you to work on getting a higher, more
spiritual perspective.
I believe each person who comes into our life, whether for a brief moment or for years and years, does so for a reason. If you ask yourself some very specific questions, you will begin to experience your separation through the lens of grace. Ask yourself: "If this person were sent to teach me something, what would he or she be teaching me?" By asking yourself that question (or maybe having a friend do so, to give you a more objective perspective), you will have an opportunity to identify lessons, life skills, or qualities of character that need to be developed as a result of your interaction with this person.
Another question might be: What life skill is this situation challenging me to develop? Broken marriage or failure relationship can provide many such life skills, for example, learning to follow something through from beginning to end; not letting your emotional state prevent you from taking actions that are important to your self-care and the care of your family; and patience. The other question I recommend involves imagining yourself ten years from now, looking back on your separation. What wisdom would you take from that experience? Know that the most powerful learning opportunities often come from our greatest challenges.
Lastly, take hope: in working with people who have gone through the painful separation, I've seen time and time again that it's ultimately seen as a blessing in disguise, particularly for the person who uses it as an opportunity to grow and evolve as a human being. When you find a higher perspective, you, too, can use this painful experience to your advantage to be better person.
A broken heart, caused by a broken marriage or failure relationship, is remarkably like a flat tire. The “get up and go” has got up and went. The energy for living life can seem non-existent, and if you try to do anything while your heart is flat, it’s like riding around on the rims of your heart. That painful image gives a picture to what many people feel like as they try to accommodate the impossible idea that time could somehow heal their broken heart.
As if the myth of time weren’t enough to confuse us, we all carry forward another set of impossible and impractical ideas for dealing with the naturally occurring emotions caused by the end of a romantic relationship. Two myths are encapsulated in a phrase we all heard when we were teens, after our first break-up, and that we still hear now as we flounder in the aftermath of our separation: “Don’t Feel Bad – There Are Plenty Of Fish In The Sea.”
For many of us, that line is the first notification we had that we’d been dating or married to a fish. Yes, we know, it’s a funny line, but the dual message is crippling. First we are told not to feel bad, which is to suggest that there’s something wrong with us if we feel sad or bad as the result of the end of the hopes and dreams we had for the future. And equally inane is that the “plenty of fish” line tells us to just go out and find another love – or “Replace the Loss.” And we’re supposed to do that without ever dealing with the loss of dreams and the loss of trust and safety caused by the
just-ended relationship. It’s a recipe for disaster
The three myths that will not only not help you survive the emotional onslaught caused by your seperation
but will also limit your ability to love again. Time Heals All Wounds – Don’t Feel Bad – Replace The Loss. Add to those myths, the inevitable comment which tells you that you must “Let Go and Move On.” The problem with that line is that it’s not realistic. It begs the questions: Let go of what? Move on to where? And exactly how can I do that?
You need effective actions to deal with the pain of broken marriage or failure relationship, not just simple platitudes. Don’t short-circuit yourself by believing that those cliches are words of wisdom. Take the time and trouble to seek the kind of guidance that will help you deal directly with your broken heart rather than to try to go around, under, or over the pain caused by your broken marriage or failure relationship.
For me intellectual and emotional healing is very important. The emotions will not heal until you have intellectually healed, until you’ve recognized that the ending of this relationship is a good thing for you. It just cannot be a good thing for you to be in love with a person who is not in love with you. For the person who’s leaving, there’s often guilt, and that’s not a good ending, either. You have to recognize that being with your spouse -- but not being the right one for them -- is keeping them from finding that right person. These points make sense, but you have to mull them over, again and again and again and continue to explore them. You have to recognize that even though you love this person, you recognize that they’re not right for you; therefore it’s best for the relationship to end. You may still love this person, you may still feel hurt, and you may still feel really badly that this happened… this may not be what you wanted to have happen… but it has happened.
It’s the oldest saying in the world, but when one door closes, another door opens. But the door is not closed as long as you’re mad at the other person or feeling hurt about the ending. You need to be able to let go of that person with good feelings, but the good feelings don’t come until you first intellectually recognize that you can’t be mad at someone for making something good happen. This is a gradual process. The first thing is intellectually releasing the guilt and realizing if you’re not right for them, they’re not right for you, and vice versa – then the emotional healing starts to occur. It occurs when you take the time to explore your feelings and be patient with them. Most people want to rush once their mind says, “It’s over.” They want to move on, so they move on in their mind, thinking, “Well, that person ruined my life, but I’ll just move on.” But you can’t heal the emotions until you first recognize from the mind’s point of view something good has happened.
That’s what a good ending will do… it will teach you how to love yourself and love others -- how to forgive yourself and them for failing. You both started out with high intentions, but you failed. It’s still a good thing, but you failed. Before you move on and enter another relationship, you have to be in a place where you’ve intellectually forgiven someone. It’s much, much easier than emotionally forgiving someone because there is what I call in Mars and Venus: Starting Over “emotional lag-time.” There’s a delayed reaction. It takes a while for the emotions to resolve because only a small part is about the broken marriage or failure relationship; a bigger part is about all the other times in yourself when you felt powerless, alone, betrayed. When a big event like speration comes up, these old wounds will tend to come up and want to be addressed… the mind is dealing with just that one situation but the emotions are dealing with an accumulation of feelings all through your life of being rejected or feeling like a failure. But when those feelings come up and see the light of day, they’re quickly released and resolved. It’s simply a matter of facing them.
 |
| Things aren't always as they appear. Sometimes what seems to be the end is really just a new beginning. Like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.... |
I believe each person who comes into our life, whether for a brief moment or for years and years, does so for a reason. If you ask yourself some very specific questions, you will begin to experience your separation through the lens of grace. Ask yourself: "If this person were sent to teach me something, what would he or she be teaching me?" By asking yourself that question (or maybe having a friend do so, to give you a more objective perspective), you will have an opportunity to identify lessons, life skills, or qualities of character that need to be developed as a result of your interaction with this person.
Another question might be: What life skill is this situation challenging me to develop? Broken marriage or failure relationship can provide many such life skills, for example, learning to follow something through from beginning to end; not letting your emotional state prevent you from taking actions that are important to your self-care and the care of your family; and patience. The other question I recommend involves imagining yourself ten years from now, looking back on your separation. What wisdom would you take from that experience? Know that the most powerful learning opportunities often come from our greatest challenges.
Lastly, take hope: in working with people who have gone through the painful separation, I've seen time and time again that it's ultimately seen as a blessing in disguise, particularly for the person who uses it as an opportunity to grow and evolve as a human being. When you find a higher perspective, you, too, can use this painful experience to your advantage to be better person.
A broken heart, caused by a broken marriage or failure relationship, is remarkably like a flat tire. The “get up and go” has got up and went. The energy for living life can seem non-existent, and if you try to do anything while your heart is flat, it’s like riding around on the rims of your heart. That painful image gives a picture to what many people feel like as they try to accommodate the impossible idea that time could somehow heal their broken heart.
As if the myth of time weren’t enough to confuse us, we all carry forward another set of impossible and impractical ideas for dealing with the naturally occurring emotions caused by the end of a romantic relationship. Two myths are encapsulated in a phrase we all heard when we were teens, after our first break-up, and that we still hear now as we flounder in the aftermath of our separation: “Don’t Feel Bad – There Are Plenty Of Fish In The Sea.”
For many of us, that line is the first notification we had that we’d been dating or married to a fish. Yes, we know, it’s a funny line, but the dual message is crippling. First we are told not to feel bad, which is to suggest that there’s something wrong with us if we feel sad or bad as the result of the end of the hopes and dreams we had for the future. And equally inane is that the “plenty of fish” line tells us to just go out and find another love – or “Replace the Loss.” And we’re supposed to do that without ever dealing with the loss of dreams and the loss of trust and safety caused by the
just-ended relationship. It’s a recipe for disaster
The three myths that will not only not help you survive the emotional onslaught caused by your seperation
but will also limit your ability to love again. Time Heals All Wounds – Don’t Feel Bad – Replace The Loss. Add to those myths, the inevitable comment which tells you that you must “Let Go and Move On.” The problem with that line is that it’s not realistic. It begs the questions: Let go of what? Move on to where? And exactly how can I do that?
You need effective actions to deal with the pain of broken marriage or failure relationship, not just simple platitudes. Don’t short-circuit yourself by believing that those cliches are words of wisdom. Take the time and trouble to seek the kind of guidance that will help you deal directly with your broken heart rather than to try to go around, under, or over the pain caused by your broken marriage or failure relationship.
For me intellectual and emotional healing is very important. The emotions will not heal until you have intellectually healed, until you’ve recognized that the ending of this relationship is a good thing for you. It just cannot be a good thing for you to be in love with a person who is not in love with you. For the person who’s leaving, there’s often guilt, and that’s not a good ending, either. You have to recognize that being with your spouse -- but not being the right one for them -- is keeping them from finding that right person. These points make sense, but you have to mull them over, again and again and again and continue to explore them. You have to recognize that even though you love this person, you recognize that they’re not right for you; therefore it’s best for the relationship to end. You may still love this person, you may still feel hurt, and you may still feel really badly that this happened… this may not be what you wanted to have happen… but it has happened.
It’s the oldest saying in the world, but when one door closes, another door opens. But the door is not closed as long as you’re mad at the other person or feeling hurt about the ending. You need to be able to let go of that person with good feelings, but the good feelings don’t come until you first intellectually recognize that you can’t be mad at someone for making something good happen. This is a gradual process. The first thing is intellectually releasing the guilt and realizing if you’re not right for them, they’re not right for you, and vice versa – then the emotional healing starts to occur. It occurs when you take the time to explore your feelings and be patient with them. Most people want to rush once their mind says, “It’s over.” They want to move on, so they move on in their mind, thinking, “Well, that person ruined my life, but I’ll just move on.” But you can’t heal the emotions until you first recognize from the mind’s point of view something good has happened.
That’s what a good ending will do… it will teach you how to love yourself and love others -- how to forgive yourself and them for failing. You both started out with high intentions, but you failed. It’s still a good thing, but you failed. Before you move on and enter another relationship, you have to be in a place where you’ve intellectually forgiven someone. It’s much, much easier than emotionally forgiving someone because there is what I call in Mars and Venus: Starting Over “emotional lag-time.” There’s a delayed reaction. It takes a while for the emotions to resolve because only a small part is about the broken marriage or failure relationship; a bigger part is about all the other times in yourself when you felt powerless, alone, betrayed. When a big event like speration comes up, these old wounds will tend to come up and want to be addressed… the mind is dealing with just that one situation but the emotions are dealing with an accumulation of feelings all through your life of being rejected or feeling like a failure. But when those feelings come up and see the light of day, they’re quickly released and resolved. It’s simply a matter of facing them.
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